快要考试了,求老师能帮我修改下雅思大作文啊,我上次6.5,7766,写作是6分,希望这次能提到7分一：Some people think that pollution and damage of environment are resulting from a country's developing and becoming richer,and this is hard to be avoided.To what extent do you agree or disagree?There is no

2019-04-18

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快要考试了,求老师能帮我修改下雅思大作文啊,我上次6.5,7766,写作是6分,希望这次能提到7分
一：Some people think that pollution and damage of environment are resulting from a country's developing and becoming richer,and this is hard to be avoided.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is no doubt that environment challenges,ranging from the smog in cities,especially emission-induced air pollution,to electric pollution,are presented to us.Some people link it to the development of a country,and think that this trend is inevitable.In general,I agree with the opinion expressed.
It is undeniable that,unfortunately,it is always the case that countries tend to pay less attention to the environment perservation with the aim of making money through surging their economy.This means that some rich industrilized countries may be unlikely to solve these environmental challenges because reducing these problems may slow down their industrial production and lower their people's comfort and convenience,even when they possess advanced technology and financial resources.
However,reaching the conclusion that this trend is inevitable is not the same as assuming that "these issues can not be solved." If a nation could make use of its sophisticated technology properly and effectively,then there would be various measures that could be implemented which would have a huge effect on these problems.I personally think that to tackle the problem of air pollution,the technology is already avaliable to produce electric cars that would be both quiter and cleaner to use.As for the electric pollution,are all the neon lights really necessary?They should be turned off when not in use.
In conclusion,I would say that the long-term solution would depend on governments rasing the awareness of the general public that all environmental problems fundamentally arise from the abusive behavior of all individuals,and on a collective consciousness that each individual must be aware of the impact he or she has on the environment.
对于这篇作文,我觉得自己在审题方面有些不清楚,不知道该不该写“怎样解决环境问题”这个部分；还有逻辑问题.

优质解答

首先明确的一点是,不应该写“怎样解决环境问题”.因为题目简单地说是：有人认为环境问题是发展带来的,你多大程度上同意?并没有问你如何解决,所以文章重点还是应该在你是不是同意这一观点.这点明确之后,逻辑就清楚了,是很常见的argumentation.
这样,第二段应该写现实中发展确实带来很多环境问题,你写得也比较切题.但是第三段就有点问题,这一段跑题了,你写的是如何解决了,但是这一段的重点应该是表达你的观点,也就是环境问题并不是发展的必然结果,而很大程度上是人们的不负责任造成的.并且,社会、经济、技术的发展反而有利于解决环境问题.这样就更好地支撑了自己的观点.
最后说说分数,抛开是否偏题这一说,只谈文章本身,从语句、词汇的运用来看还是不错的,段落之间连贯还比较紧密,但是实话实话,模板的痕迹还比较明显,英语用法还不够地道,所以7分是不大可能的.朋友,要知道6分到7分的差别是非常大的,完全是两个级别的东西,而不是改善、提高的问题.如果你考试的时候写不出和这篇完全不是一个层次的东西,实话实说,可能还是6分或6.5.如果想提总分,建议在听力阅读上多费点时间. 首先明确的一点是,不应该写“怎样解决环境问题”.因为题目简单地说是：有人认为环境问题是发展带来的,你多大程度上同意?并没有问你如何解决,所以文章重点还是应该在你是不是同意这一观点.这点明确之后,逻辑就清楚了,是很常见的argumentation.
这样,第二段应该写现实中发展确实带来很多环境问题,你写得也比较切题.但是第三段就有点问题,这一段跑题了,你写的是如何解决了,但是这一段的重点应该是表达你的观点,也就是环境问题并不是发展的必然结果,而很大程度上是人们的不负责任造成的.并且,社会、经济、技术的发展反而有利于解决环境问题.这样就更好地支撑了自己的观点.
最后说说分数,抛开是否偏题这一说,只谈文章本身,从语句、词汇的运用来看还是不错的,段落之间连贯还比较紧密,但是实话实话,模板的痕迹还比较明显,英语用法还不够地道,所以7分是不大可能的.朋友,要知道6分到7分的差别是非常大的,完全是两个级别的东西,而不是改善、提高的问题.如果你考试的时候写不出和这篇完全不是一个层次的东西,实话实说,可能还是6分或6.5.如果想提总分,建议在听力阅读上多费点时间.