Shopping now is very popular among people.Both men and women（复数） tend to spend a large part of their free time on this activity instead of the traditional ones of the past.（什么是traditional ones of the past?最好有such as...这样的说清楚,另外这个说法不地道,换成other traditional ways such as...怎么样?) As for this phenomenon,
there are several reasons（下面说的都叫原因?改：points) which will be discussed below and in my opinion this development(换成trend趋势） is a positive one.(这句我想全换掉：there are several points related I would like to discuss below and personally I think this development is a positive one.)
On one hand,nowadays,the globe（换成global) economy（换：economics,经济） develops（单数） day by day and the standard of people’s live（中式英语,换:people's living quality生活质量） has reached a high level compared with any other times in history（用了compare with,却没有比较级?换：has reached a level higher than any other time in history).The fact is that enormous（巨大的庞大的?换：numerous) people don’t need（换：have) to be much struggled(换：直接用主动时态 to struggle) to get their stomach filled.So(So在这里停顿很唐突,不如As a result),the desire to enjoy the life is becoming intensely（more and more intensely,强调形象化过程）.And obviously,shopping is a wonderful way to cater this demand since the majority of enjoyments in our lives depend on concrete things.For example,when we luckily find a thing (such as a dress) that we like so much and finally possess it successfully（成功的拥有,中式英语,换成finally are ble to possess it如何?）,we will get quite satisfied(将来时在这里不必要,陈述的是一般事实,we get quite satisfied).On the other hand,we all cannot deny that the（去掉the,非特指) shopping centers are really “well-equipped” for they do not only provide us with the merchandises they sold（换sell或者are selling) but places to rest and eat something（eat一个字就够了,与rest并列,加上somthing反而失去了行文节奏）,making them(指代不明,which makes these shopping centers) even more attractive.（on the other hand的内容比on one hand少的比较多,有点感觉敷衍,加点内容丰富一下?）
As far as I can see,this development undeniable（形容词,还后置?你想表达不可避免的意思吗?this inevitable development) should be accepted and thought highly of.because（首字母大写） of the role as a the indication of the demand for better living standard it plays（建议定语后置,话说起来不累,because of the role it plays as an indication of...),which could be considered as the sample of society’s development to some extent（如果此处再用which引导,那么这句话主干在哪里?换成：the trend of more shopping activities could be considered as...).What’s more is that nearly all the people are acting as both the customer and the producer（the seller or the producer）,so the good shopping situation could （also) benefit the business of（改：for) a lot of people.
So（改In conclusion/In summary),because of(改为：based on 基于） what I have mentioned above,the development of shopping is mainly a result of the development（换成that,因为前面已经有the development,指代一下就行） of (the)society in many spheres（换:aspects) such as economy(改：economics.economy的意思在这里不对,经济,省钱?） and since it is a（换an) indication of better living standard(用了多少次standard?换：quality) and living creed(what is living creed?),the trend must be positive as I think(如果你第一段最后一句用我改的,那么这里换成in my opionion,I think这样的话要少出现在议论文里,会削弱你的论调和语气.
文章的意思和论调非常清楚,基本议论文结构也很清楚,语法上的细节问题要注意,有些中式英语要尽量避免
Good job! Shopping now is very popular among people.Both men and women（复数） tend to spend a large part of their free time on this activity instead of the traditional ones of the past.（什么是traditional ones of the past?最好有such as...这样的说清楚,另外这个说法不地道,换成other traditional ways such as...怎么样?) As for this phenomenon,
there are several reasons（下面说的都叫原因?改：points) which will be discussed below and in my opinion this development(换成trend趋势） is a positive one.(这句我想全换掉：there are several points related I would like to discuss below and personally I think this development is a positive one.)
On one hand,nowadays,the globe（换成global) economy（换：economics,经济） develops（单数） day by day and the standard of people’s live（中式英语,换:people's living quality生活质量） has reached a high level compared with any other times in history（用了compare with,却没有比较级?换：has reached a level higher than any other time in history).The fact is that enormous（巨大的庞大的?换：numerous) people don’t need（换：have) to be much struggled(换：直接用主动时态 to struggle) to get their stomach filled.So(So在这里停顿很唐突,不如As a result),the desire to enjoy the life is becoming intensely（more and more intensely,强调形象化过程）.And obviously,shopping is a wonderful way to cater this demand since the majority of enjoyments in our lives depend on concrete things.For example,when we luckily find a thing (such as a dress) that we like so much and finally possess it successfully（成功的拥有,中式英语,换成finally are ble to possess it如何?）,we will get quite satisfied(将来时在这里不必要,陈述的是一般事实,we get quite satisfied).On the other hand,we all cannot deny that the（去掉the,非特指) shopping centers are really “well-equipped” for they do not only provide us with the merchandises they sold（换sell或者are selling) but places to rest and eat something（eat一个字就够了,与rest并列,加上somthing反而失去了行文节奏）,making them(指代不明,which makes these shopping centers) even more attractive.（on the other hand的内容比on one hand少的比较多,有点感觉敷衍,加点内容丰富一下?）
As far as I can see,this development undeniable（形容词,还后置?你想表达不可避免的意思吗?this inevitable development) should be accepted and thought highly of.because（首字母大写） of the role as a the indication of the demand for better living standard it plays（建议定语后置,话说起来不累,because of the role it plays as an indication of...),which could be considered as the sample of society’s development to some extent（如果此处再用which引导,那么这句话主干在哪里?换成：the trend of more shopping activities could be considered as...).What’s more is that nearly all the people are acting as both the customer and the producer（the seller or the producer）,so the good shopping situation could （also) benefit the business of（改：for) a lot of people.
So（改In conclusion/In summary),because of(改为：based on 基于） what I have mentioned above,the development of shopping is mainly a result of the development（换成that,因为前面已经有the development,指代一下就行） of (the)society in many spheres（换:aspects) such as economy(改：economics.economy的意思在这里不对,经济,省钱?） and since it is a（换an) indication of better living standard(用了多少次standard?换：quality) and living creed(what is living creed?),the trend must be positive as I think(如果你第一段最后一句用我改的,那么这里换成in my opionion,I think这样的话要少出现在议论文里,会削弱你的论调和语气.
文章的意思和论调非常清楚,基本议论文结构也很清楚,语法上的细节问题要注意,有些中式英语要尽量避免
Good job!