Smog is serioius, （with）【which bring】 many kinds of diseases, really affect people’s lives.
评价：开头朴实,最好用点花哨的东西,至少得从句吧- -
修改：
Smog means serious air pollution, and we can’t live without air.
评价：逻辑在哪里,咯噔一下,低分
修改：We can't live with out air, but smog is the problem we can't ignore.
Dirty air is harmful to our bodies.
评价：语法没错
修改：这句删掉吧
Recently, heavy smog （arrives）【appears in】 our country, which remains three week long.
评价：
修改：加一句“我们必须采取有效的行动”So we must take active actions to fight against the environmental problem.
【新段】
The heavy smog affect many places in China. 【In】Northern China, such as Capital Beijing, has been under serious pollution.
评价：正确
修改：
【What‘s worse】Even towns in the southeast【which narutally has fresh wind】 are under smog.
评价：句型一般
修改：
【What has mentioned above causes a lot of problems. Such as】Drivers were not able to see views clearly, and children were encouraged to stay at home.
评价：没有过渡,突兀.低分特征,句子要自然而出
修改：
People who wanted to get ourdoor exercise hesitated, and everyone was not happy when they see the grey sky.
评价：结合生活,写的好
修改：
【新段】
I advocate that we【can】 live【in】 a cleaner life.
评价：原本想很好,但是实在看不下去
修改：
（Taking）【to take】 buses instead of driving cars seems a good idea, and recycled water is also a must.
评价：呼吁一般用不定时,循环用水和大气污染有关系?
修改：
Picking up waste paper on the floor and also reduce unnecessary waste.
评价：姐姐你写偏了.大气污染,不是环境污染
修改：
Avoid setting off too many firecrackers during festivals. We can also supervise the emission discharged by factories.
评价：终于回归了正题,句子写得不错
修改：
【新段】
I believe that we can have greener air and live a cleaner life in the end!
评价：结尾需加长
修改：加长加长! Smog is serioius, （with）【which bring】 many kinds of diseases, really affect people’s lives.
评价：开头朴实,最好用点花哨的东西,至少得从句吧- -
修改：
Smog means serious air pollution, and we can’t live without air.
评价：逻辑在哪里,咯噔一下,低分
修改：We can't live with out air, but smog is the problem we can't ignore.
Dirty air is harmful to our bodies.
评价：语法没错
修改：这句删掉吧
Recently, heavy smog （arrives）【appears in】 our country, which remains three week long.
评价：
修改：加一句“我们必须采取有效的行动”So we must take active actions to fight against the environmental problem.
【新段】
The heavy smog affect many places in China. 【In】Northern China, such as Capital Beijing, has been under serious pollution.
评价：正确
修改：
【What‘s worse】Even towns in the southeast【which narutally has fresh wind】 are under smog.
评价：句型一般
修改：
【What has mentioned above causes a lot of problems. Such as】Drivers were not able to see views clearly, and children were encouraged to stay at home.
评价：没有过渡,突兀.低分特征,句子要自然而出
修改：
People who wanted to get ourdoor exercise hesitated, and everyone was not happy when they see the grey sky.
评价：结合生活,写的好
修改：
【新段】
I advocate that we【can】 live【in】 a cleaner life.
评价：原本想很好,但是实在看不下去
修改：
（Taking）【to take】 buses instead of driving cars seems a good idea, and recycled water is also a must.
评价：呼吁一般用不定时,循环用水和大气污染有关系?
修改：
Picking up waste paper on the floor and also reduce unnecessary waste.
评价：姐姐你写偏了.大气污染,不是环境污染
修改：
Avoid setting off too many firecrackers during festivals. We can also supervise the emission discharged by factories.
评价：终于回归了正题,句子写得不错
修改：
【新段】
I believe that we can have greener air and live a cleaner life in the end!
评价：结尾需加长
修改：加长加长!