我不知道你申请交换生是和谁竞争,是本校的固定的名额,主要看你们的作品,定了之后交一份申请走走程序还是要和其他学校甚至其他国家的学生竞争这几个名额,如果是前者,内容算是符合要求.如果是后者,那么这篇东西对申请起着非常重要的作用,因为我估计交换生一般没有面试,所以这是唯一一次你向国外学校展示你自己的优势的机会.可是抛开语法不说,内容上我觉得不够充实,没有足够的展现出你是多么热爱你的所学,你可以做到比周围的人都优秀.当然,我完全可以理解,你所学的专业估计没有在英文写作方面有很多的训练.可是内容上建议你能加上一些具体点的例子,以及你更加真实的感受,减少一些比较笼统的说法.强烈建议你加上这些内容之后去找英文老师再次修改,因为所实话,the structure of your personal statement really needs to be rearranged and some of sentences are not logial enough...Also you include some information that the foreign university is not really care,for example,in the beginning you said:"I am a girl born in a small city.The year I was 18,I left my hometown and came to a big city where I am going to study and spent my five-year campus life there.I have learnt to do everything by myself and enjoy good relationship with classmates in the college,which I used to be so much worried about." Here,I guess you want to show that you improve your life through your own effort.But frankly speaking this is not supposed to be in your statement for exchange because all the students did the same thing.They are all changing their life by themselves and that is what you should do as a college student.Therefore you 'd better really show "who you are",what is the special thing of "you"...Maybe you need to think and then give an example that why you are a special student deserve this exchange opportunity.
我特想给你改改结构的问题可是因为我不知道你的内容能不能动,所以实在难以下手.强烈建议,好好想想内容和结构有哪些可以改进的,然后再找个英文老师改改语法.在此大改给你改下明显的语法错误：
I am a girl born in a small city.When I was 18,I left my hometown and came to a big city for college life.I have learnt to do everything by myself and enjoyed a good relationship with classmates in the college,which I used to be worried about.After being more confident and independent,I really look forward to enjoy a campus life in America.There’s no doubt that I’ll learn much more from the friendly people and culture there where is neither in my hometown nor my country.(这句是想说美国人民和美国文化很友好,中国人和中国文化却不友好吗?孩子,你想夸人家我理解,不能够这样贬低自己的国家和人民啊!我希望这不是你的本意,但如果是,那么我不得不说,如果你不是该领域顶尖的人才,对自己国家的背叛会在国外被人瞧不起,会直接导致你被拒!）
I major in Urban Planning in my university,which used to be my dream when I was young.I tried my best to learn more about it,and did pretty well in architecture(请举例）.In addition,I really go for in art designing and painting（没理解）.The interests and hard-working enabled me to get the first price in a designing competition.When I know that my dreaming subject,Landscape Architecture is just available in UC Davis,I am so happy and decide to apply for exchange.
Urban Planning is a subject requires various knowledge,science and art,internal and external.And if I get the chance to go abroad,it means I get the chance to know more(多余的话啊）.It’s certain that the rich experience will help a girl get closer to her goal,which is to be a qualified expert in Urban Planning.In the near future,I plan to put my knowledge into practice（太笼统）.I leant from teachers and books how other countries carry out their city development,but I never really know what it is like.Hence,during the time I will spend abroad,I want to complete a cognitive map of UC Davis and have a study of image space on small scale.
哎,看你的问题的时候觉得你很不错,我喜欢帮助有梦想又愿意努力的人.这就是为什么我花快1小时给你敲这些东西.但是看到你中间那句话,实在伤心,希望你本意不是那样.否则太令人失望了
Yx i Sverige
恩,楼上的答案很值得学习,比我有耐心多了,赞! 我不知道你申请交换生是和谁竞争,是本校的固定的名额,主要看你们的作品,定了之后交一份申请走走程序还是要和其他学校甚至其他国家的学生竞争这几个名额,如果是前者,内容算是符合要求.如果是后者,那么这篇东西对申请起着非常重要的作用,因为我估计交换生一般没有面试,所以这是唯一一次你向国外学校展示你自己的优势的机会.可是抛开语法不说,内容上我觉得不够充实,没有足够的展现出你是多么热爱你的所学,你可以做到比周围的人都优秀.当然,我完全可以理解,你所学的专业估计没有在英文写作方面有很多的训练.可是内容上建议你能加上一些具体点的例子,以及你更加真实的感受,减少一些比较笼统的说法.强烈建议你加上这些内容之后去找英文老师再次修改,因为所实话,the structure of your personal statement really needs to be rearranged and some of sentences are not logial enough...Also you include some information that the foreign university is not really care,for example,in the beginning you said:"I am a girl born in a small city.The year I was 18,I left my hometown and came to a big city where I am going to study and spent my five-year campus life there.I have learnt to do everything by myself and enjoy good relationship with classmates in the college,which I used to be so much worried about." Here,I guess you want to show that you improve your life through your own effort.But frankly speaking this is not supposed to be in your statement for exchange because all the students did the same thing.They are all changing their life by themselves and that is what you should do as a college student.Therefore you 'd better really show "who you are",what is the special thing of "you"...Maybe you need to think and then give an example that why you are a special student deserve this exchange opportunity.
我特想给你改改结构的问题可是因为我不知道你的内容能不能动,所以实在难以下手.强烈建议,好好想想内容和结构有哪些可以改进的,然后再找个英文老师改改语法.在此大改给你改下明显的语法错误：
I am a girl born in a small city.When I was 18,I left my hometown and came to a big city for college life.I have learnt to do everything by myself and enjoyed a good relationship with classmates in the college,which I used to be worried about.After being more confident and independent,I really look forward to enjoy a campus life in America.There’s no doubt that I’ll learn much more from the friendly people and culture there where is neither in my hometown nor my country.(这句是想说美国人民和美国文化很友好,中国人和中国文化却不友好吗?孩子,你想夸人家我理解,不能够这样贬低自己的国家和人民啊!我希望这不是你的本意,但如果是,那么我不得不说,如果你不是该领域顶尖的人才,对自己国家的背叛会在国外被人瞧不起,会直接导致你被拒!）
I major in Urban Planning in my university,which used to be my dream when I was young.I tried my best to learn more about it,and did pretty well in architecture(请举例）.In addition,I really go for in art designing and painting（没理解）.The interests and hard-working enabled me to get the first price in a designing competition.When I know that my dreaming subject,Landscape Architecture is just available in UC Davis,I am so happy and decide to apply for exchange.
Urban Planning is a subject requires various knowledge,science and art,internal and external.And if I get the chance to go abroad,it means I get the chance to know more(多余的话啊）.It’s certain that the rich experience will help a girl get closer to her goal,which is to be a qualified expert in Urban Planning.In the near future,I plan to put my knowledge into practice（太笼统）.I leant from teachers and books how other countries carry out their city development,but I never really know what it is like.Hence,during the time I will spend abroad,I want to complete a cognitive map of UC Davis and have a study of image space on small scale.
哎,看你的问题的时候觉得你很不错,我喜欢帮助有梦想又愿意努力的人.这就是为什么我花快1小时给你敲这些东西.但是看到你中间那句话,实在伤心,希望你本意不是那样.否则太令人失望了
Yx i Sverige
恩,楼上的答案很值得学习,比我有耐心多了,赞!